Needing Less Than We Think
"I seek peace and do not find it, for my conscience is stained; there is no tranquility in me due to the multitude of my iniquities." - St. Ephraim the Syrian, The Spiritual Psalter
For a long time DH and I have talked about simplifying our life. We have become so reliant upon our modern conveniences and comforts that somewhere along the line our wants merged with our needs. We somehow tricked ourselves into believing that we really needed all of the things we spent our money on. I convinced myself that we lived simply enough. We don't have cable, I don't shop just to shop (most of the time) and make a strong effort to buy the only the things we need (there's that word again), we rarely eat out, try to eat as much as possible from our garden, etc., etc. Right? Riiiight.
Then one day last week DH came home early. He got laid off.
Initially, of course, I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. We had discussed the possibility of this happening, he worked at a bank and we all know what kind of shape the banks are in these days, but I always quickly dismissed the thought because I didn't want to think about the "what ifs".
After I got his call I immediately started going through the checkbook, making a list of all the things we could eliminate immediately to save money each month. I was so surprised to see how many things we really could do without. I was also so ashamed that I actually made myself believe we were living simply all this time. But then an overwhelming sense of peace came over me. Somehow it all just felt right. I realized that perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. DH has been wanting to do something else for awhile now but was always to afraid to leave the security of his job. He's always apologizing for not having spending enough time with me and the boys and talking about how he wished he could do something that would afford him some extra time at home, so I really believe this is God's way of simplifying our lives for us since we're too weak to do it ourselves. We both believe that our economy is not getting any better, in fact, we believe it's getting worse. We've been trying to "downgrade" our lifestyles but because we are both so spoiled rotten our efforts haven't been 100%. So God felt the need to intervene. And I am extremely humbled that He worked His plan into our lives, undeserving as we are. Again.
And I know that it is going to get worse before it gets better, even now as sure as I feel, that feeling is fleeting and is quickly replaced by fear and vulnerability. But I am also certain of Panagia's presence with us; I feel her looking over us and guiding our lives. Even when we neglect our spiritual lives and regardless of our unworthiness, she is always there offering her intercessions to God for us. The night before I did a Paraklesis asking for peace in our lives and humility. Well, I guess you could say this might be the first step in attaining those things.
As hard as it is to give up some of the things I enjoy and am accustomed too, part of me is so relieved to have to do this. I feel such a joyful peace inside. Glory to God for all things!
I just keep praying that he finds work soon and that it is something he will be happy doing. I just keep praying that God continues to guide us and that we have the wisdom to listen...
