being a mom is hard. like, really hard sometimes.  and being an Orthodox mom in a modern world makes it that much more difficult.  that's why i've come up with this modern mom challenge.  think of it as a {pre}spring cleaning checklist for our lives.  we're going to figure out what's cluttering up our lives and get rid of it.  i'm going to bare all in a series of posts and talk about some of the things that bother me personally about myself and my life.  and you are too.  ready?  good.  let's get started. 1. make a list of the things you dislike about yourself or your lifestyle.  then, figure out how you can change those things.  figure out what tempts you and how you can avoid it.here's my number one:

01.  say goodbye to copycat fashion and designer labels.  find people who inspire me and follow them everywhere.  (totally joking.  you know, about the following part.  unless it's online, of course)

i chose that as number one because i feel like personal style does not fit with the person i'm trying to be anymore.  as we get older our priorities change, internally we evolve as women and mothers.  this means our outward appearance needs to change as well.   so here's what's going on...for the past couple of months i've been feeling a little anxious-a little off balance and i wasn't really sure why.  by nature, i'm not an anxious or stressed out type of person so it really bothered me to feel that way.then i had a realization.  i realized that i was only letting myself try so hard in my attempt to grow closer to God.  somehow i started telling myself that what i was doing was enough for right now and that there were certain things that i didn't have to focus on because they weren't "that big of a deal".  there are, of course, larger and more important issues to work on first.  but that mindset was the whole problem.  it was like a roadblock in my journey toward Christ.  i couldn't get as close as i wanted to be, as i've been in the past, because there was something in my way.  me.we all have images of the kind of person we are and want to be. we relate to certain types of people and are instinctively drawn to them.for me, when i watch movies and read books and i always relate to the down-to-earth-homebody-domestic-bookworm types.  i can't wait to be old and gray and sitting in a rocking chair knitting sweaters for my grandchildren.  i love to knit and garden and be in the kitchen.  picnics in the park with lace tablecloths and real glassware, handwritten letters, classical music and things made my hand.  those are the kinds of things that i appreciate and enjoy.  it doesn't matter if they're trendy at the time or not, those are the sort of things i have and will always love.just to give you an idea, this is what i look like in my mind.  peaceful, enjoying a nice stroll and a good book.  this is who i feel like i am on the inside. but in real life i feel like i look more like this.okay, okay, maybe it's more like this. but you get my picture.either way, it's clear that these two types of people are on completely different ends of the spectrum.  and i chose andrea from the devil wears prada because i really can relate to the inner struggle her character faces.  it's a power struggle of andrea vs. andie.  she's stuck between two versions of herself and feels the weight and guilt of not staying true to the person she knows she is.  that's exactly how i feel.lately, i feel like i've sort of lost myself.  i catch myself thinking and even doing things that just aren't me.  i care about things that i really don't care about.  does that make any sense?and sad a story as it is, somewhere along the way i've even become a label tramp.  and forgive me, i know that's a bit vulgar, but you know what?  acting that way is vulgar, too. just admitting that is embarrassing because it's against everything i stand for and believe in, but it's true.  it's against who i am. all my life i've worn things that i liked and thought were fun.  i never cared if something was in fashion or not.  after all, fashion is for now but style is forever, right? and there's nothing stylish about copying someone else's look or wearing something just because of the tag sewn inside of it.growing up there was hardly any focus on designers at all.  unless debbie gibson's exclamation perfume from rite aid counts... everything we owned came from the local department store or the mall (which wasn't even full of labels back then).  it wasn't until i was close to twenty that designers started becoming household names.  but even then anything name brand that i owned, i owned because i liked it.  in all honesty, i've always wanted things that were different, if everyone had one that was exactly why i didn't want one. and i still feel that way, even though i catch myself reacting oppositely.now, i catch myself bypassing things that normally i would love because they aren't a name brand.  it's like i subconsciously don't think it's good enough.  girls like me have convinced themselves that we buy those designer bags because they're better quality and never wear out or those shoes because they're sooo comfortable.  in the meantime, we've never worn a bag out in our lives and the shoes really aren't any more comfortable than a non-name brand pair that cost a third of the price and in many cases are actually cuter.  but we convince ourselves this is why we do it.  we also tell ourselves {subconsciously, of course} that we could be dressing a lot worse, so it's not really an issue.  we're not wearing anything too short, low, tight or otherwise inappropriate.  ladies, we're lying to ourselves and if we can't even admit it we're worse off than we think.  and i'm speaking to more than just myself because i know a lot of women are in the same boat i am.  some may like their boat and that is their choice.  i personally do not.growing up i was always thin, i never struggled with weight or self esteem issues.  i was always the confident leader type.  if there was a trend that i liked i pulled it off with no effort at all.  and that was all fine and dandy when i was a teenager, and even for the majority of my twenties. the problem with that now, fifteen. years. later. is that i still do that.  i see a look i like and i wear it.  what i forget is that i am a representative of the woman i've grown to be.  just because i can pull something off doesn't mean i should.  just because i still feel like i'm in my twenties doesn't mean i actually am.   just because something is appropriate, doesn't mean it's appropriate for me.  i feel like i've become a different person. when i wasn't even looking i became one of those girls.and that's the most frustrating part.  i don't want to be that girl.  i want to free the girl in my head who is being held hostage by vera wang and louis vuitton.there is no style, no character or individuality left with the majority of women today.  everyone is so distracted by becoming their neighbor down the street that they don't take the time to figure out who they are.  they will never know the beautiful and amazing people they are inside because they're wasting all their time trying to be someone else.  everyone wears the same shoes, carries the same bags.  they even sport the same accessories.  there's no interest in discovering who they are and what their purpose in life is and i *refuse* to do that.to me, a person's flaws and individuality are what make them special and amazing.  it's what sets them apart.  i think our differences should be embraced and appreciated.  why does everyone want to be the same all of sudden? and where do i fit in all of that??  it feels like there's this invisible presence forcing people into this sort of lifestyle. hmm, there's a thought.  people are struggling financially, yet everyone has the season's latest overpriced fashions!  they'll search and search for the cheapest pair of name brand shoes and convince themselves that they like them, just to have a pair.   it's sick, it really truly is.i look back and wonder, when did i veer so offtrack??  for the first time in my life i feel like i need to redefine who i am.  i don't want to be trendy, i don't want to be hung up on designer labels.  i want to live simply because it feels so much better.   i want to be a good Orthodox mom.  and right now i'm just not.

Archimandrite Athanasios Mitilinaios said, "When you do not have Christ and you lack the criterion of modesty, you will bow down to the latest expression of fashion."

those words are so true.  as silly as it may sound, i really can feel myself taking a step backward, a step away from Christ with each new overpriced item i buy.  i read so many spiritual books and constantly struggle to continue changing myself for the better but you would never know it by looking at me.over and over again we read that our outward appearances are a reflection of our inner dispositions.  but some of us dismiss that notion with the argument of "you can't judge a book by its cover".  but truth of the matter is, how we dress and carry ourselves really should be reflecting who we are on the inside.there are just too many other important things in my life that require my attention more than my closet.  so, this is my solution.  we are going to work on this together.  we are going to start changing the things in our lives that are stopping us from becoming the person God wants us to be.   you'll help me, won't you?  i am going to publicly announce right now that i am stopping with the designer labels.  somehow saying it publicly makes me feel more accountable.  so feel free to call me out on instagram or facebook if you see me straying from my goal. maybe we should think of a code word or something so i don't get mad and order pizzas to your house (seriously, life was so much more fun before caller id)... any ideas? maybe i should give you an inventory list so you know what i already have and don't mistake it for new?now, i should probably insert a little disclaimer here because people tend to be oversensitive these days.  please understand what i'm trying to say with all this.  i'm not saying that fashion itself is wrong.  or designer labels for that matter.  i AM saying that i feel like they're wrong for me and the type of life i want to live.  i can't say that i'll never own another name brand, i do get a lot of perks for this blog and gifts from family, but i personally am going to stop purchasing any designer labels for myself.  i am done focusing on them and giving them a relevancy in my life that they don't deserve.  i'm also going to cut out the things i know tempt me in that area like reading so many fashion blogs and perusing the "women's fashion" section of pinterest.  i'm going to put all that time and effort into becoming me again.  wow.  i feel better already.  being me makes me happy.  now maybe for you it isn't about name brands.  maybe it's something else entirely.  but everyone has something about themselves that is stopping them from becoming the person they want to be.  maybe you stress out too much and need to learn to slow down and relearn how to truly enjoy life or maybe you have some trashy reality show addiction, i don't know,  but for me personally this is something that bothers me about myself.  and i am not the type of person to let someone else determine what defines me.  i'm going to change it.   from this moment on (actually i've already started), i am redefining my personal style.  no magazine or pinterest board is going to tell me what i should or shouldn't be wearing.  and there will be another post on exactly how i've been doing that. the good thing is i already know the girl i really am.  and, oh, how i've missed her.  this new chick has got to go.next on my checklist are social media networks.  check back soon to hear me rant about them.  ;)